Deb's Place
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Hello everyone and welcome to Hillbilly Humor!
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Deb's assistant on this hillbilly page is Dorothea. I'm Bob, Dot's better half.
Since Dot is away on business, I'm helping helping edit this page as Deb feels we are hillbilly experts. What gave her that idea I'll never know!
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Here you see our home away from home.
This is where we live and work when we're on assignment here in the mountains.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
So sit back and relax. Enjoy this journey we are about to take into the world of hillbillies. Afterwards, we hope you'll have a better understanding of what being a hillbilly really means.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
We'll start off with vocabulary. If there's one thing you have to know when talking to a hillbilly is what the heck they're talking about. This list of frequently used words easily explains it.
HILLBILLY VOCABULARY
Now that you know all about a hillbilly's vocabulary, let's talk about their lifestyle.
YOU'RE PROBABLY A HILLBILLY IF
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Deb's assistant on this hillbilly page is Dorothea. I'm Bob, Dot's better half.
Since Dot is away on business, I'm helping helping edit this page as Deb feels we are hillbilly experts. What gave her that idea I'll never know!
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
Here you see our home away from home.
This is where we live and work when we're on assignment here in the mountains.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
So sit back and relax. Enjoy this journey we are about to take into the world of hillbillies. Afterwards, we hope you'll have a better understanding of what being a hillbilly really means.
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
We'll start off with vocabulary. If there's one thing you have to know when talking to a hillbilly is what the heck they're talking about. This list of frequently used words easily explains it.
HILLBILLY VOCABULARY
AGEN - against
AHR - hour
AHWNT - aunt
AIG - egg
AINTS - ants
ARN - iron
ARTHURITIS - arthritis
ARY - not any
BARREED - borrowed
BATTREE - battery
BOB WARR - barbed wire
BORNED - born
BREECHES - a pair of pants
BRUNG - brought
BUB - bulb
CHEER - chair
CHOIRPRACTOR - chiropracter
CO COLA - Coca Cola
COME AND GO WITH US - goodbye
CRACK THE WINDOW - open the window
CUT THE LIGHT ON - turn on the light
CUTTIN UP - being comedic
CUZINTS - cousins
DAINTZ - dance
DECORATION DAY - Memorial Day
DEPPITY - deputy
DUBYA - W
EXTRY - extra
FANGER - finger
FAR - fire
FARN - foreign
FLARE - flower
FLUSTERED - frustrated
FUNNY TURNED - unusual/strange
HAINT - ghost
HARD - hired
HEARED - heard
HEP - help
HESH UP - be quiet
HOW DO - hello
I OWNT CURE - yes, I would like some
IFFEN - if
IGNERT - ignorant
IZZAHSO - is that so
JU HERE - did you here
KIN - relatives
LAIG - leg
LIEBURY - library
MAD AS FAR - really upset
MAMAW - grandmother
MEEMAW - great grandmother
MEER - mirror
MESS - a lot
MISRUS - Mrs.
MUNTS - months
NAR - narrow
NARY - not a one
NECKKID - naked
OLDTIMER'S - Alzheimer's
PACIFIC - specific
PANK - pink
PAPAW - grandfather
PEAKID - pale/sickly
PEEPAW - great grandfather
PERT NEAR - very close
PETERED OUT - exhausted
PLAIN SPOKUN - honest/genuine
POKE - bag
POLECAT - skunk
PONY ACK - Pontiac
PURDY - pretty
RANCH - wrench
RANG - ring
RECKON - guess
RICHEER - right here
RINCH - rinse
RETARD - retired
ROONT - ruined
SALARY - celery
SHORE - sure
SHURF - sheriff
SIMLER - similar
SKEERED - scared
SKOO - school
SMACK DAB - in middle of
SMARTS - hurts
STROLLOPIN - out running around
SUGAR - kiss
SWEET MILK - whole milk
TAR - tire
TARD - tired
TATERS - potatoes
THANKS - thinks
THAR - there
THARS - theirs
THEM THAR - those
THO - throw
UNGYUN - onion
WARTER - water
WHOOP - spank
WORSH - wash
WRASTLIN - wrestling
YONDER - that way
YUNG UNS - children
YORE IN - yours
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Now that you know all about a hillbilly's vocabulary, let's talk about their lifestyle.
YOU'RE PROBABLY A HILLBILLY IF
You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife drunk.
You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
You think the stock market has a fence around it.
Your stereo speakers used to belong to the drive-in theater.
You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
Your CB antenna is a danger to low flying planes.
You've ever financed a tattoo.
You've ever stolen toilet paper.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
People hear your car a long time before they see it.
The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
You own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
You have ever spray painted your girlfriends name on an overpass.
The primary color of your car is bondo.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
Your home has more miles on it than a car.
The home shopping operator recognizes your voice.
Your car's brake lights are covered with red tape.
Your mother has been in a cuss fight with the school principal.
You think a subdivision is a math problem.
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You've ever been in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
Your wife's hairdo attracts bees and has been caught in a ceiling fan.
You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
Directions to your house include, "Turn off the paved road."
Your dog and wallet are both on chains.
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
Three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in your front yard.
Your porch is bigger than your house.
Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
You think mud wrestling should be an olympic sport.
There are more fish on your walls than pictures.
Friday nights consists of standing in line for the one screen theater to see a movie that came out six months ago.
The mini mall has more stores than your home town.
You think a lobster is a crawfish on steroids.
You name the four seasons as onion, mayo, mustard, and ketchup.
Your description of gourmet includes "deep fried."
Your Halloween pumpkin has more teeth than your wife.
You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
You wonder how gas stations keep their restrooms so clean.
Anyone in your family ever died right after
saying, "Hey, ya'll watch this!"
Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars in line behind a tractor.
You measure distance in minutes.
You refer to shopping carts as buggies.
You think sexy lingerie is a tee shirt and boxer shorts.
You refer to a carbonated soft drink as "pop."
Your house still has the wide load sign on the back.
You think possum is the other white meat.
Your hunting dog had its puppies in the living room and no one noticed.
You think the last words to "The Star Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines" or either "Play ball."
You use the "pull my finger" trick to impress your girlfriend.
You think dual air bags refer to your wife and her mother.
You bring back more from the trash dump than you took to the dump.
You've ever used a toilet brush for a back scratcher.
You believe that beef jerky and "moon pies" are among the major food groups.
You stare at an orange juice container because it says "Concentrate."
You think in order to have a bubble bath you must first eat beans.
You ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.
Your wife can climb a tree faster than a cat.
You have a complete set of bowls that all say "Whipped Topping" on the side.
"E-I-E-I-O" is how you spell farm.
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Alex, I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000.
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Iffen thay wuz ta miss spell uh wurd en uh dixshunery,
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A hillbilly goes into the offices of the World Records, puts a jig-saw puzzle on the desk and says, "I want to claim a new world record for this puzzle."
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
HILLBILLY COMPUTER TERMS
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the
THINGS YOU'LL NEVER HEAR A HILLBILLY SAY
Alex, I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000.
Duct tape won't fix that.
No kids in the back of the pickup, its not safe.
We're vegetarians.
I'll have a bagel instead of biscuits and gravy.
Honey, do these bonsai trees need watering?
Spitting is such a nasty habit.
I just couldn't find a thing at the dollar store today.
The tires on that truck are too big.
These snack cakes have too many fat grams.
Checkmate!
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
HILLBILLY PONDERUNS
Iffen thay wuz ta miss spell uh wurd en uh dixshunery,
how'd any uf uz ever know'd hit?
How come hit iz at peepul don't thank we hillbillies don't take nuthin searuz?
Thay ain't really no law at sez you can't git hitched ta yer kin folk iz er?
Don't ever bidy go ta uh famlee yoonyun ta git uh date?
How come thay teechin uz tha Anglush lanegwish in
skoo when we's awreddy know hit?
Iz em air deer really smart uh nuf ta red em air deer crossin sines?
What pray tell iz false teeth?
Now tell me, do sheep shrank when hit rains?
Iffen uh tarpin ain't got no shell, iz hit neckid or homeless?
Ain't yer maw en paw pose ta teech ye sum sense?
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
THE HILLBILLY AND THE WORLD RECORD
A hillbilly goes into the offices of the World Records, puts a jig-saw puzzle on the desk and says, "I want to claim a new world record for this puzzle."
The person behind the desk asks, "What is the record you are claiming?"
"I did this here puzzle in 6 days & 4 hours!" the hillbilly answers.
The man at the desk asks, "Why do you claim a record when there are only 10 pieces in this puzzle?"
The hillbilly replied, "It says right here on the side of the box, up to 3 to 5 years and it only took me a little over 6 days!"
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
HILLBILLY JOKES
Did you hear about the hillbilly who passed away
and left his entire estate in trust for his beloved widow?
She can't touch it till she's fourteen.
What's the most popular pickup line in hillbilly country?
Nice tooth!
How can you tell if a hillbilly is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.
They raised the minimum drinking age for hillbillies to 24!
Seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
What do hillbillies call reruns of Hee Haw?
A documentary.
What else do they call them?
Life styles of the rich and famous.
A hillbilly obviously invented the toothbrush.
If it had been invented by anyone else it would have
been called a teethbrush.
A policeman pulls over a hillbilly driving a pickup truck.
The policeman asks the driver, "Got any I.D.?"
The driver says, "Bout what?"
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
HILLBILLY COMPUTER TERMS
BACK: back yonder
CANCEL: fer git it
DOCUMENTS: stuff I done did
FIND: hunt fer it
GO TO: over yonder
KEYBOARD: where the kitten sleeps
MEGA HERTZ: when you surf too much
MOUSE: little pointin' thang
MOUSE PAD: for the little pointin' thang
OK: ats aw-rite
PROGRAMS: stuff at duz stuff
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: can't remember
PROGRAMS: stuff at duz stuff
RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: can't remember
RESET: try er agin
SOFTWARE: games and stuff
START: crank er up
STOP: kwit it
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
SOFTWARE: games and stuff
START: crank er up
STOP: kwit it
~~~ ~~~ ~~~
WINDERS
HILLBILLY EDITION
It has come to our attention that a few copies of the
WINDERS HILLBILLY EDITION may have accidentally been
shipped outside of hillbilly locales. If you have one of these, you may need some help understanding the commands. The hillbilly edition may be recognized by the unique opening screen. It reads WINDERS with a background picture of all the hillbilly state flags. It is shipped with a cabin in the woods screen saver.
Please note:
The Recycle Bin is labeled OUTHOUSE.
My Computer is called DERN CONTRAPTION.
Dial up Networking is called GOOD OL' BOYS.
Control Panel is known as the DASHBOARD.
Hard Drive is referred to as 4 WHEEL DRIVE.
Floppies are LITTLE OLE ROWND THANGS.
Changes in terminology:
OK: ats aw-right
Cancel: fer git it
Reset: try er agin
Find: hunt fer it
Go to: over yonder
Back: back yonder
Stop: kwit it
Start: crank er up
Programs: stuff at duz stuff
Documents: stuff I done did
Also note that this edition does not recognize
capital letters or punctuation marks.
Some programs that are exclusive to Winders:
tiperiter: a word processing program
colerin book: a graphics program
cyferin mersheen: calculator
outhouse paper: notepad
jupe-box: cd player
iner-net: web connection
pichers: graphics viewer
irs: accounting software
irs2: accounting software with hidden files
tax records: usually an empty file
You'll recognize WINDERS HILLBILLY EDITION
as it comes pre-loaded with certain
"Favorites" for browsing the World Wide Web:
Beer
Dogs
Fishun
Pisstuls
Shotguns
Raysin
Riffuls
Trucks
Also address book folders:
Cuzzins
In Laws
Kin Folk
Preechur
Tha Law
Vetnureeyun
